Today, we’re going to share with you our top tips for stopping people pleasing and setting boundaries in your life and work.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting to please important people in your life.
But when accommodating others tips over into people-pleasing behavior, you can end up becoming frustrated or even resentful.
So how can you stop that from happening? You set boundaries.
If you’re not setting boundaries with other people, you’re likely disrespecting and disempowering yourself.
HOW SETTING BOUNDARIES HELPFUL & EFFECTIVE
Setting and maintaining strong boundaries in our lives and work helps to:
Build our self esteem
Build our self respect
Allows us to confidently and authentically say yes or no to situations, people, or opportunities
Empowers us to make choices that are right for us
Enables us to take responsibility for ourselves, our lives, and our work.
SETTING BOUNDARIES WITH NEGATIVE PEOPLE & NAYSAYERS
As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “Whatever you do, you need courage.”
Whatever course you decide upon, there will always be someone to tell you that you are wrong.
Naysayers can crush our spirit, belittle our dreams, and make us start to doubt ourselves. Sometimes people can be negative about your dreams and plans because your enthusiasm and dedication puts a spotlight on their own lack of goals. That makes them feel uncomfortable, so quite naturally and often unconsciously, they project that negativity away from themselves and onto you. It’s a means of self protection -- less about you and more about them.
HOW TO SET BOUNDARIES IN 4 SIMPLE STEPS
Protect yourself, your emotions, your energy, or your dreams
HERE’S A SIMPLE 4-STEP PLAN FOR SETTING BOUNDARIES IN ANY SITUATION:
STEP 1: FIGURE OUT WHAT'S NOT WORKING AND WHY IT'S NOT WORKING FOR YOU.
What is it about the situation you’re in that’s not serving you? Do you feel someone is disrespecting your time, or you can’t deal with the negativity in your crowd? Maybe you’re being asked to overcommit at work or you’re not happy with something in a relationship you have.
Figure out what’s not working and why it’s not working for you.
STEP 2: FIGURE OUT WHAT YOU WANT
Be crystal clear about what you want to happen instead.
We cannot set boundaries until we know what success looks like.
Whatever the situation you’d like to change, you need to be really crystal clear on what success looks like.
If, for instance, a friend is not respecting your time, how can setting a boundary change that? Perhaps you ask them to ask if you are available at a specific time instead of assuming you’ll always be available.
STEP 3: ARTICULATE YOUR BOUNDARY
This is where it can get tricky because often when we get to the point that we want to set a boundary, we can already be in an emotional place.
When that happens, the other person is more likely to react to the emotions than the boundaries you are setting so it is important to:
State your boundary calmly, clearly, and respectfully, and without an apology
It is okay to take the time you need to think about what you need to say
You are not responsible for the other person’s reaction. You are only responsible for your own behavior
STEP 4: HONOR THE BOUNDARY YOU ARE SETTING
Your behavior needs to match the boundaries you are setting.
You cannot establish boundaries if you are apologizing afterwards or sending mixed messages, allowing people to overstep them.
Some people will absolutely test your boundaries.
Be ready for that, stay firm, and restate the boundary if you need to.
You're setting a boundary for your own happiness. People-pleasing will not serve you in the long term.
At first, you might feel selfish, guilty, or embarrassed when first setting a boundary. Set your boundary anyway.
Remember, you absolutely have a right to self care. It’s a much better strategy to decide what you want, state it clearly, and honor that commitment to yourself by standing firm.
Remember that inaction is also a position that you’re taking. So doing nothing about something that is frustrating you and not setting a boundary is still a choice you’re making. In this case, the boundary you’re setting is with yourself. You need to make a commitment to yourself and honor it the way you would with someone else.
The bonus here is that honoring a commitment to ourselves also helps other people see that our boundaries are important to ourselves, so they are less likely to overstep them.
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